Creating peace in an abusive dynamic is often tasked to victims. Anne talks about strategies women can use in the short-term to experience respite from chaos. Many abusers promise that they will change, in fact, it is an almost-universal tool in the grooming process of the abuse cycle. I gave up my right to say, ‘Well, that’s just unfair,’ or, ‘Do you realize how this hurts me? If I want to make amends for the crap that I put my wife through, I have to be willing to drudge through the trenches.
Living amends refers to making promises to the people in your life whom you’ve wronged or who have hurt you. These promises focus on rebuilding your relationship with a loved one and moving forward from the pain of the past. One of the best ways you can make long-lasting changes to your relationships is by being true to your word. Essentially, don’t make promises that you can’t keep and do everything you can to live up to the promises you do make.
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It’s also important to take great care when making amends to someone who is in active addiction because our primary responsibility is to safeguard our own health and recovery from substance abuse. If making an amends means exposing ourselves to triggering environments, we ought to reconsider and discuss healthy alternatives with a sponsor or addiction counselor. For example, we might intend to go to a friend’s birthday party, but in actuality, we fail to show up for the event. While we might apologize later for missing the party, our apology consists of words rather than actions or changed behavior.
If you are wondering what does “making amends” mean, you are not alone. An essential part of addiction treatment and recovery is learning how to offer amends for your actions and behaviors while you were under the influence of various substances. That doesn’t mean you should make it all about you, but strive to be honest about how you’re feeling. Learning to communicate healthily about those feelings will go a long way to righting old wrongs.
Commit to living a sober and honest life
Undoubtedly, you, too, have a list of ways in which you want to live out your living amends, and that’s great! The more personalized your lifestyle changes are, the more they’re going to resonate and stick with you. Working Step 9 is challenging and you’ll likely need support and assistance as you work through it. At Eudaimonia Recovery Homes, we provide personalized recovery support with comfortable sober living Austin, Houston, and Colorado Springs. We also provide regular drug and alcohol testing, professional peer recovery support programming, a three phase recovery program, volunteer placement services, and employment and educational support. However, facing these painful feelings is exactly the reason that making amends is so important.
- This year, I spent thousands of hours and thousands of dollars keeping The Marginalian going.
- We’ve filled you in on things that can exacerbate guilt, like hindsight bias and survivors’ guilt.
- I’m just not going to speak to anyone.” Avoid the temptation to get out of this step.
- Making amends with the people you’ve fallen out with as you’re thinking about mortality and what happens when you die is one way of finding emotional freedom and closure.
- The changes that occur due to your efforts positively affect your commitment to becoming a better friend, child, parent, or person all around.
Whenever possible, those in recovery are encouraged to make direct amends face-to-face with those they’d harmed while living in addiction. Living amends is a concept linked to addiction recovery and part of the twelve-step program for sober living. In simple terms, it means taking responsibility for the person you used to be and how you caused harm to the people in your life who care about you. Many people think of making amends as simply apologizing for whatever wrongs they did in their using, however an apology is not an amend.
Making Living Amends in 12 Step Recovery
These changes can positively impact the people you love and care about. When held in the bonds of an addiction, it’s not uncommon what is a living amends for many relationships to feel strain, or to fall apart together. It’s a very personal part of the addiction recovery process.
While there is no one set “script” for this process, there are a few key points that you should be sure to incorporate. Work with your sponsor, treatment center, and 12-Step group to determine which parts of this are right for you. Making amends is more than just saying “I’m sorry.” It’s going the extra mile to make things right. Regardless of the motivation behind his letter, it gives us a prime moment to reflect on the process of making amends and the possibilities of conciliatory actions. Every person travels it differently, with unique experiences and opportunities. Part of my living amends is also being the friend my friends deserve and the employee my employers hired in good faith.